


Drown Next To Me

by lukenosis



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: (IM THINKING OF DELETING THIS), ANGSTY ANGST ANGST, I AM SORRY, M/M, Self Harm, i wrote this currently on 38 hours without sleep, idek what this is tbh, so please ignore any errors, this is sad, this is what happens when i am sleep deprived, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 09:42:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3170198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lukenosis/pseuds/lukenosis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm bleeding, quietly living. <br/>I'm living, quietly bleeding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drown Next To Me

Every morning without fail, a pair of empty, red rimmed eyes find themselves staring into the  _god knows what number this is now_ empty cup of coffee. But before anyone else has awoken, the cup is refilled and the emptiness replaced with the mask that he's grown so accustomed to slipping on. 

And this is how his mornings always are, and he doesn't expect them to change anytime soon, or for anyone to notice. Because he's far too good at pretending.   
  
  
*  
  
  
It was after one of their shows that Ashton had his life changing realisation. They were coming off the stage and heading back to the dressing rooms, when he caught himself starring just a bit too long at Luke, at the sweat that glistened on his neck, the way his singlet clung to his back, and the adorable hue of his flushed face. Ashton immediately averted his gaze and retired to his bunk early that night, not wanting to spend anymore time in the younger's presence, afraid of the direction that his thoughts were heading the longer he was near him.

Because his platonic feelings were no longer platonic at all.

And that scared him.

That  _really_ fucking scared him. 

Not only because of the fact that Luke was a  _boy_ , but because Luke was, well,  _Luke_. His best friend, his band member, the boy that he was supposed to love like a younger brother - not like this, definitely not like  _this_. 

Ashton didn't sleep at all that night.  
  
  
*  
  
  
That morning, once again without fail, an empty pair of eyes joined countless empty cups of coffee.

And once again without fail, that emptiness was replaced with another cup of coffee and a mask that was beginning to feel a lot like a second home.  
  


*  
  


One week later and Ashton was nowhere closer to accepting his feelings towards his younger band mate. In fact, if anything, he was more of a mess now than when he first realised his feelings. Ashton didn't know what to do, and he didn't know how to cope with what he felt, and so he resorted to the only method that he knew worked.

He relapsed.

 

He'd gone a few years now without touching a razor, but here he was, standing in their shared bathroom on the bus, shakily holding onto a blade that he had retrieved from smashing a disposable razor.

The tears streamed down his cheeks as he dragged the blade across his skin.

  
*

  
Michael had noticed first, he noticed how distant Ashton had become. He also noticed that he started only wearing long sleeved shirts, and that he was always wearing the countless bracelets that he had a long time ago stop shoving up his arms.

Michael corned him late one night and blatantly asked him why.

Ashton just replied with broken sobs, which resulted in some out of Michael in response.

When they told the other two, Calum looked absolutely heart broken, and he held onto the older boy for dear life as he explained that he was there for him, that they were all there for him, and that this didn't have to be an option.

Luke didn't understand, he just didn't get it. But nonetheless he hugged Ashton just as tightly as the other boys did, and maybe it was Ashton's imagination, but just maybe, Luke's hug was a little bit tighter.

  
*

  
But once again, empty eyes were met with empty mugs, and lies were spilled from his lips.

  
*

  
Two weeks later and Ashton had confided in Michael about his feelings towards a certain blonde haired boy. 

Two weeks later and Michael told Ashton to tell the blonde haired boy how he really felt, but Ashton was too scared. 

Two weeks later and Ashton dragged the blade across his skin again for the first time in four days. 

Two weeks later and Michael cried, and Calum hugged him like there was no tomorrow, and Luke still just didn't get it.   
  


*

  
But empty eyes still met empty mugs, and masks still kept hiding tear tracks. 

  
*

  
One week later, six days of being self harm free, and a lot of convincing from Michael, Ashton confessed his feelings for Luke. 

One week later, six days of Ashton being self harm free, and a lot of hushed conversations, Luke confessed his feelings for Ashton back. 

And their kiss put the stars back into Ashton's eyes.   

  
  
*  
  
  
Four months later and they were all celebrating Ashton being self harm free for that long. 

Stars had now found a permanent home in Ashton's eyes, Michael smiled so brightly, and Calum hugged him as tight as possible, whispering how proud he was. 

And Luke still didn't get it. 

But he wanted to, and so he tried to. 

And he tried. 

And he tried it over, and over, and overoverover. 

And did he finally get it. 

  
*

  
The next morning, without fail, an empty pair of eyes met another empty mug of long ago drunken coffee, but this time a crimson stained bandage and long sleeves accompanied him. 

Nobody noticed that long sleeves had now become a part of his morning routine, because they were all too fixated on the boy with stars that had found a home in his eyes who wore short sleeves again. 

And this is how his mornings always are, and he doesn't expect them to change anytime soon, or for anyone to notice. Because he's far too good at pretending. 


End file.
